The sun shone into the hall as I stepped out. It was an autumn day. I had my finest shoes on – the ground was dry – it hadn’t rained for a long time.
Most of the trees were now circles, at least it was a shape one could recognize – yesterday they were more blurred, though I still recognized them. They had also stopped speaking – that was nice, thoughts are usually enough. Or the neighbor’s chatter. At least one can understand him, even if it’s banal.
I wave to the garden. Through it all, we are still the dearest of friends.
Shopping can be a problem if you don’t know what you want. I’d rather not get paralyzed at the freezer section. There’s a humming that I like – a tone at 50 oscillations per second. The overtones sing in harmony and disharmony, I sing along with it. Stuck.
But today I know. An acquaintance is talking to another person. They speak in another language and her face takes on another form – a dark form. I must remember that it is the same object I recall speaking my language. Then her face returned. When the feedback works, I see better. My shape is sometimes clearer.
Today I know how I look. There was a time. Time? When I didn’t know that. Now I see the mirror. Oh, what clear days I have. Then the trees shine green, their branches and leaves build so beautifully.
Cracks can be my enemy – my fascination with them never ends.
Oh right. I was supposed to shop. I know. I buy my dinner and go home. I went home.
When the feelings connect in the field, my body responds. Many believe they have bodies. That’s okay. How else would they understand that they exist. So many new feelings – when they look at me now I see their desire and my body responds. It used to be so locked up.
I see a strand of hair on the bed. It’s probably mine. It turns into spider legs. Funny. I watch how they move. I should look away – but I’m fascinated by how they move at all. Because I know it doesn’t move, yet they move. If I close my eyes and change the position of my head, it’s just a hair again.
I see some people doing something. I don’t remember what it was. It probably wasn’t important – maybe it was important. But I remember the meta-thought.
One must not be lazy when observing a behavior. So easy that what you’ve seen then becomes understood. I eat too much food so as not to have to be lazy. Look again. Not understand. Understand.
Not understanding is the greatest.
To understand clouds my eyes and then the wrong feelings come because it kind of searches down into an architecture, an abyss. I shall understand it. Because I feel it. But it’s like other colors I’ve never seen before on them. And the shapes so hard to capture, but it works (it is done) sometimes when time (perception) slows down.
When did this happen?
In the water I took God’s hand.
Then I could navigate.
For God did not judge so I could see my house – all the rooms at once.The self cracked. It was so lonely when it had nothing. A small seed – and when it wasn’t weighed down by other energy it was the smallest I had ever seen.
When the self thought about the self it cracked – and the universe was there in imbalance. It was the word. I am not a murderer, but I have stolen. I will stop stealing. I no longer exist.
It became clearer.
I stroke the fabric of the sofa.
I no longer know.
I no longer know.
I no longer know.
I know.
I cook my dinner.
A friend is visiting,
So simple it is.
The systems speak, are remodulated.
I. Me. I. Me. I.
I breathe. In. Out.
Who am I talking to?
so nice.
I do the dishes before bedtime.
Tomorrow I will buy an autumn jacket.
Credits:
Author: Hans Åkerman
Machine translate (swe->eng) from:
https://hansakerman.se/?p=2282
Editing by: Nikita Dudnik